rhapsody in blue

Musical composition of irregular form having an improvisatory character. This is the song I love the melody of…

Here’s to Life.

I want to travel the world.
Sail the tropics.
Get kissed under the Eiffel Tower.
Dine in Italy.
Stare at the Aurora Borealis.
Swim with the stars in the Maldives.
Spell my name in the soft sand. 
I want to live. 

I am so full of promise and potential. Yet there’s so much more to that fact than saying it over and over again; why not live it? Tonight, something dramatic happened. It could possibly change my life. Now that I have the clarity I need, it is time to focus on the dreams I seek. Next year is a Leap Year and I am so excited about that. Every year following up to it, I think of ways to make the next one over the top. I reread my freshman blog, Rhapsody in Blue, and my stomach turned at every single post being so sad, depressing and hurtful. That is not how I want to be remembered. I want to live through experiences and memories. I want a fresh start. THAT is the purpose of this blog. So the first on my journey to infinity: travel. I have a few trips planned for the upcoming leap year which includes: Dominican Republic, New Orleans for Essence and New York for New Year’s Eve and the following year I want to tour Europe. 

Here’s to life! Let’s celebrate positivity. Let’s find happiness in new experiences. Today’s scare showed me how life can throw you the meanest curveballs and most of the time we’re not ready to hit. It was a warning. So the planning begins after my next (and hopefully last until I move into my house) move. Stay tuned for my DIY post following my move. I have some chalk paint, old furniture, wood stain, wood boards and once hell of an imagination… this should be fun. I can’t wait. 

Here’s to: Life. Love. And the pursuit of happiness.

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Just Because…

Just Because…

Give me the flowers while I still take breath to smell them. While we live day to day earning dollar for dollar we seem to forget the gestures that may change someone’s day… just because. You have no idea what may be going on in another man’s point of view. At my job, sometimes my voice is the first voice my guys hear when I call them to assign them to their designated jobs for the day. My words set the tone for their day so I try to be as friendly as possible when speaking to them to assure they’re off to a good start?

And what does this have to do with the price of rice in China?

Just because. Because our lives are temporary assignments and at any time our Father can deem our assignments complete. Now how do you want to remember your loved one? Or anyone you may come to pass? Don’t give the corpse more flowers than you did when they were living. Do you need a reason? No. I live my life to continuously spread love to everyone I carry close to my heart. I ask myself when the day came where letters, flowers and any other simple gesture became “old-fashioned” or a waste of time. Just because you’ve got the girl doesn’t mean you stop doing what you did to get her in the first place. There is no room for complacency.

I love you. Three words that hold so much power are often abused. Love is like a plant that needs a little care to bloom to its fullest state. They’re pretty and with little care they usually take care of themselves, but sometimes a little attention can make the difference. It doesn’t take much to do little. It takes effort. It’s not the bare minimum because you know in your mind, “well, s/he knows how I feel” it’s sometimes showing it. Love is an action which speaks volumes over its worth in letter form. Let’s never forget that.

And until next time…

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Many Women, One Heart…

It took me awhile to figure out what would be the most appropriate blog topic to reintroduce myself with. Throughout my blogging career, I’ve received many emails from different women experiencing the same thing I did. Whether it is mental and physical abuse, homelessness, rape, suicide, school, relationships, family, someone has been able to reach out to tell me thank you. I’ve been told that I touched many hearts and that I do appreciate. Since the beginning, whether by way of a funny post or down to my most serious, it has always been my mission to touch at least one person with my story. If I can do that, I feel as if I have done enough. But one topic I have yet to touch on is infidelity. Is it something I am experiencing currently? Well, no, not necessarily. But I’ve had my fair share of heartache in the past and enough loved ones around me who know this pain like no other. So now I feel the need to open up the forum.

But why? When is it going to be the right time to grow up? Why is there so much fear in this?

When you decide this is the time to become serious, you have to realize the amount of their heart you now hold. You have to realize what you must sacrifice in order to maintain peace, love and happiness. You must realize what is disrespectful. You are a grown man and at a certain point, the oblivious card you attempt to deal upon confrontation will be met with great scrutiny. What pisses me off more than anything is a selfish man. It is a turn-off. It is disgusting. I so strongly believe karma has her way with people like that. If you want to row your royal oats, so to say, make your intentions clear as day from the beginning so emotions aren’t invested. To claim you’re serious about someone and to turn around, sneaking behind their back, is the epitome of childish and greedy. Grow up. If you’re that desperate to sneak, risking making what good you have for a tiny bit of pleasure obsolete, grow up. Because in the end, you will lose.

This is personal to me. My father cheated on my mother and I watched, very slowly, as this ate at my mother. She tried to maintain a strong façade for her children, but eventually this became too much for her. Bottling up the pain made her psychologically explode; breaking down causing her to storm out of our house, leaving my siblings and I confused and just as hurt as she was. Although they are now divorced, my mother found it within her heart to forgive him. Consider yourself lucky if the person you’ve decided to betray has decided to forgive you. Have I ever been cheated on? Yes, I have. And that is why we are no more. That is why numbers are deleted and forgotten. Because through all that I have experienced, I know my worth. I carry the strength of a thousand women and I absolutely refuse to waste my time with someone who does not realize this. God has recently blessed me in tremendous aspects. There is nothing I cannot do on my own. That is why I am not afraid to walk away from a situation where I am not appreciated. And that is what I have done in the past.

They say things that are amazing are always worth fighting for. If you sense trouble in your little paradise, fight for it. Many women cannot hold place in one heart. Learn to mature, mature to love, love to grow. And never forget, God is love and no one can love you like He can. He will be your comforter, your protector and your confidant. There is no use in retaliation because faith in God will ease an angered heart. Those who choose not to love in His vision will suffer accordingly.

So until next time…

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The End…

All good things must come to an end, right? I started Rhapsody in Blue as a way to release and give those who happen to come across, who may be having a bad day, a reason to say “I am not alone.” We all struggle. Many of us are afraid to admit this. That’s why I appreciated every email from a reader who was moved by something I said. If I could touch one soul, I’ve done my part here. And I have.

God has used me to show everyone how the devil can beat a soul so much. He used me to show you all that all good things come with faith and patience. So despite every seemingly depressing post I put here, behind it is a spiritually happy young lady BLESSED by the never ending LOVE of Jesus Christ! And ALL GOOD THINGS come from HIM! THAT is what keeps me going every single day. And that needs to be your fuel as well. We will be okay.

Lately there have been sick individuals who use my blog as means of prying into my life. The negativity I deal with is motivation for them. And some have even taken sick steps to disturb certain aspects of my life. But I am here to tell you it will not work. It will not. I am here to tell you Veronica Lorae Martin is as strong as they come. NOTHING can knock this brick house down. So for every ill-wish you throw at me, I have an anecdote waiting.

Pray for your loved ones. Pray for the ones who wish bad upon you. BLESSED is the one who never loses the will of God when making decisions in their lives. If you have any issue bringing you down, listen to me; Let go and LET GOD!!!

God bless you all. And to all, good night!

With love,
-Veronica

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Jagged Wings…

Like a butterfly with its wings ripped off, the pain renders you temporarily helpless. But with days where temporary feels like eternity, healing never seems to be an option. As desired as that option is. Is it possible to pray for everything to be back to normal when life was never normal to begin with?

My innocence is taken, shaken, tainted. Inner-city youth another victim of a cold world. No embrace of a mother, no knowledge from a father. Purity and heart stolen by a thief in the night.

Life. Is. This.

You are what you were made into. And with the love and support of those around you who care and with solid faith in God, nothing is impossible. Yet these events make a person feel they can never love or ever be loved. Jagged butterfly with no wings cannot take flight with the rest. Just an undesirable nuisance being drug by an event out of its control.

Why is this fair?

I don’t know. I don’t. Why don’t they see? Why don’t they understand. I don’t know. I don’t. Why did they lie? Why did they hurt? I don’t know. I don’t. Why has so much happened to one person? And can anyone ever love such a damaged soul? I don’t know. I don’t.

———————–

Heavenly Father,

I pray for a healed soul, a mended heart. I pray for every soul that took from me and beat me down. I pray I am able to overcome the mental and physical abuse so I am able to enjoy all of blessings you have bestowed upon me. I know the amazing things you can do with a broken heart and I come to you as broken as they come. Lord, I know everything that has happened is in your master plan for my life. I’ve asked for years “why me?” and to this day, I still do not know. But, Lord, I come to you, now a new and saved soul, to tell you my faith has not been detoured. It has become stronger. I cry every single day. Tear stained pillows act as a testimony for a soul in so much pain. Every week’s beginning I yearn for Sunday so I can be in a place of comfort. But still, I thank you for fighting these battles alongside me every day.

————————-

Someone is going to heal your annihilated wings so you may fly again, beautifully, with the rest.

Until next time…

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(con’t)…

Life did it.

God solved it.

Prepare yourselves for the takeover.

Until next time…

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Life did it…

Last year was the test, but this year is the final exam. And Lord knows I do not want to fail.

There comes a time where that “ah-ha!” moment hits you like a sack of bricks and you realize the importance of everything around you. Everyone. But being blind-sided by scars from the past seemed to have made that impossible. I’ve been told that history repeats itself and I swore that was coming to life.

I wanted to die. I wanted to drink a cup of bleach, slice two veins and bleed out in an unknown wooded location in my car. Life seemed to strike that bad. Year after year of failures called by my dad. That’s harsh, right? There is no excusable reason for feeling like this, but reasons do exist. To be told, all your adult life, that you’d never amount to much because of your mistakes from the past begins to manifest itself in your mind. Everything you do seems to hold true to that fact. To never have that LOVE and SUPPORT causes one to yearn for it in every possible way. In the meantime, issues with work, money, bills, relationships, family all are on the rise. Five different hands from five different directions reaching into my life determining what I should do for my child. My anger is skyrocketing because this all happens at once. So I lash.

And that may have been my biggest mistake.

I became mean and angry. This reflected on the few people in my corner that I had cheering for my victory. Growing up, I did not have the love of Jesus Christ in my life or household. I never went to church because I was never taken and never knew to go. In fact, the very few times (I believe maybe twice) to went to church was with my mom, as a very young girl, to this very small hole-in-the-wall church where the pastor scared me so bad I never wanted to go back. I was never taught to cling to the spiritual during bad times. I always clung to what little emotional support I had, usually my mom or grandparents. Well, now my mom is 1000 miles away and my grandparents have passed on. It’s been years, but I still cry like I lost them yesterday. So now I have no one, it seems. I have my partner, whom i love very much, and his very loving family. One would think I should be satisfied, but I was not. I became selfish. So engulfed by my own life issues, I developed tunnel vision towards the pain of others. Because, in my mind, I felt I was going to get hurt again. Especially when the downward spiral began. Never realizing that all I was doing was hurting someone with a mass amount of love in their heart for me. Someone that loved so much they became infuriated that it was not appreciated. And in that exact moment, I realized I became everything I feared because I was too busy trying to protect myself from it.

And all I can do is say sorry. It may be hard to believe, but I am sorry. It’s been happening for a long time and I just now realized it, but I truly am sorry. Healing and getting back on track is not about announcing your grand plan to do so; it is getting up and taking the necessary steps to do so for yourself and your loved ones. Period. I hate it takes life pushing me to the edge of my own to realize this, but I’d rather realize it now than at my own funeral. I was talking to my friend Justin yesterday and he said he believed all of this should have happened to give me a taste of what it is to be without. To have my loved ones walk out on me just like I was going to walk out on them. The taste was unpleasant and it hurt. But I deserved every bit of it. I can sit here for hours promising this is it, but I’d rather get to work.

I thank you and I love you.

Until next time…

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Building Blocks…

The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched – they must be felt with the heart.

The price of a relationship should not be paid in pain. It is the start of a new lease on life. It is the opportunity to give your significant other a chance to become a major entity in your life. In this life, we experience many who come and go in our lives. Some of those individuals we develop relationships with. Boyfriend. Girlfriend. What does that mean? Or is it nothing more than a frivolous title to introduce someone as? Is it a Facebook relationship status to flaunt or a reason to update your twitter every with minuscule move with “him” or with “her?” No. A relationship signifies the ties of two hearts attempting to build into something greater. A relationship is more than just a title given to the other person. That misconception is why so many relationships end; they are not taken seriously. Considering yourself in a “relationship” differs from “going with” someone. Many may say this is just a play on words, but please listen… it is more under the surface. Why do we enter relationships? As you grow older, your outlook on a relationship should mature as you do. You begin the process of trying to find the person you believe you can spend the rest of your life with. This is something you figure out prior to entering the union. Once that realization is established, the building begins.

There is no such thing as a perfect relationship. By saturating your brain in this fact, you open yourself to a world of endless loving possibilities. Have you ever played Jenga? The bottom of the block tower contains four parts. From there, layer after layer, you pile piece after piece on top of that four part foundation. Your tower is building and it will become something so much greater from something so small. That tower is your relationship. The four parts you’re building from are LOVE. TRUST. FAITH. HAPPINESS. You cannot build a healthy partnership without these four pieces in place. No relationship is real without LOVE. In my personal opinion, you shouldn’t even put yourself in that situation if you do not love the person you’re with. The trial-and-error period should begin and end prior to the union. That allows you to realize your error before you enter a situation in which you can get hurt. LOVE is as simple as that. TRUST gives your tower strength. It is a part of your foundation as well as the mold that holds every piece together. You cannot flourish together without trust because every facet of each action will be questioned with great scrutiny. The brain and heart act as arch rivals during the War on Trust. The brain knows the truth, but the nervous heart lashes out looking for trouble. A nervous heart can make a mountain out of a molehill. If you’ve ever had the mere thought of looking through your significant other’s phone, e-mail, Facebook, etc., you have lost the battle before it has even begun. Your heart and mind will fight an endless battle because your mind knows nothing is seriously wrong but your heart won’t let you believe it. FAITH in GOD will keep your tower fresh. He has the final say so in everything. He is the master architect and the builder. Without Him, you have nothing so trust His word and let Him steer you. Do not hold on to what He tells you to throw out. By doing this you only set yourself up for imminent failure ahead. The best choice I ever made was accepting Jesus Christ into my life two years ago. I wish nothing but the same for every misguided soul, as I was. A relationship built together by His guidance will surely go the distance. No single doubt about it. Finally, the building blocks comprised of HAPPINESS grow your tower big and strong. Happiness is not an emotion one can falsify. Your heart truly knows whether, or not, it is happy where it stands. Happiness is formed naturally. If you have to force any aspect in your relationship to obtain a sense of happiness, it is not worth it. If you have to hold on to a pipe dream hoping to keep what bit of happiness you think you have, it is not worth it. No union will last without the laughter, smiles and joy that come NATURALLY from loving someone.

If you have these four pieces in place, you are ready to build. Extracurricular additives are now added to your base to make your structure that much stronger. Now the true test comes with time. Just like the Jenga tower, pieces are removed from this tower as time progresses. It is up to you to prevent the tower from falling. And sometimes… that may happen. Every great structure could stand for a few renovations. Even if your tower tumbles, your foundation should still be intact. If so, learn from your error and live to build another day.

I’m a tad bit early, but Happy New Year everyone. Welcome 2013 with open arms and have a moment of remembrance for auld lang syne in 2012. It has been the greatest learning experience I have ever had. Teach yourselves something new and never let your past define you like I almost did this year. Trust in God for He always has the final say so. Love yourselves before you love anyone else…

And watch the blessings flow.

Welcome, 2013. I’ve been waiting for you all year.

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I’m dying…

100 brush stokes through my now shoulder-length hair nightly before I retire to my bed. I stare at myself in the mirror and see nothing more than a face tinged with agony. Strands of hair telling somber stories of far too many experiences I never want to see while stained in the purest greys. They multiply rapidly across my head like dandelions on the neighbor’s great green lawn; Unwanted, yet there for a reason. They are the result of a lawn not properly kept up. A mind not properly nourished. Diseased. Fearful. Aching. Worried.

I’m dying… with every thought. With every word.

I possess a sensitive and vulnerable soul that doesn’t quite know how to heal fast. I cried my eyes out a few days ago. I was hurt. Following the hurt came the mental ache, but much too often following the mental pains comes the physical. A sharp pain shot down my chest like a lightning bolt striking the nearest tree. My stress has become so overwhelming that I cannot handle it.

“Mikey,

It’s never wrong to fear the future, but you cannot enjoy your today with your mind so far in your tomorrow.”

My flaw IS worrying about my future. Trying to perfect it and trying to plan it. I am trying to take the role God has in my life and I’m FOOLISH for that. Tell God your plans and watch Him laugh. Little by little, my life has begun its gradual shift. God has BLESSED me with a great paying job in downtown Jacksonville, FL. A peaceful and beautiful building right off the river, this is. On my floor I have a large personal area for me to work in. Not only has God blessed me with this fabulous job, He’s blessed me with TWO job offers from TWO great companies. In this decrepit economy, it is a privilege to even have a job. To have TWO companies wanting you on board their team is nothing more than a BLESSING. I am thankful and I am grateful for this opportunity. This time next week I’ll be saying farewell to Tallahassee, FL and starting anew.

My feet are cold as ice.

With what’s new comes what’s unknown. That will always frighten my heart. I’m very happy to have the help of my best friend and his family as I familiarize myself with my new city. But still, I find myself worrying about the negative possibilities and what-ifs. How do I remove those thoughts from my head? I don’t know. That is why I continuously find myself in the vicious circle of self-doubt. As it begins to take its toll on me, physically, I need to find my simple solution immediately.

Headaches, sharp chest pains, tight chests, grey hairs.

I’m killing myself softly with each poisonous thought I cannot control. Oh, sitting in the abyss worrying about the things beyond and above my grasp. I’m extending my hand out and asking for help. A change has got to navigate itself into me…

I’ve got a shovel, but I’m not ready to dig my own grave…

“Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray the Lord my soul to keep,
thy angels watch me through the night,
And keep me safe till morning’s light.
But if I die before I wake,
I pray the Lord my soul to take.

Amen.”

Until next time…

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False Testimonies…

Why would any sane person WANT to struggle? Do you even know what that word means? I ask this because if you had full knowledge of the weight of that word, you’d never want to even think about using it in a sentence unless called for. It’s amazing how many full-grown adults around me complain about life’s struggles yet still have every resource at their hands by their parents and family. You’re not struggling; you’re just ungrateful. You’re just a spoiled college student going through the motions hoping to score a few sympathy points from the ignorant who are just as spoon-fed.

I don’t feel sorry for you. I don’t put my personal experiences before anyone else’s, but I can honestly say I have a testimony. I’ve struggled more in my college career than most of you have ever struggled in your lives. I do not feel sorry for you. Because even through my struggle, I’ve managed to pick up the pieces without performing a dog-and-pony show for attention. That’s life. Deal with it.

What I’ve dealt with, what I’ve experienced, what I’ve felt… I wouldn’t wish on anyone. But I’m glad I experienced it because it helped mold a stronger and wiser individual in me. It has taught me what I need and need not do in all aspects: school, home, family, finances, love. It’s shed the skin of the old and vulnerable to reveal a new and revitalized self. Those came from REAL LIFE struggles and it is my personal duty to never look back again. With that said, those came unexpectedly. They were not wanted and they were not made up. You cannot preach about a false testimony. There is nothing wrong with you. You’re just walking around with a hurt paw begging someone to kiss it and make it feel better.

Stop.

Instead of searching for the negatives to dwell and gain sympathy from, try thanking God for the positives that supersede all the self-claimed negatives in your life. Focus your energy on yourself and only yourself. Stop basing where you need to be in your life on where everyone else is in theirs. Everything that glitters is not gold. Sure, many have degrees, but how many have jobs related to that degree? How many have jobs that pay decently? How many even have jobs? Get what I’m saying? There’s more to a goal than just the prize. Focus on you. Stop worrying about WHEN you need to get there, just find a way to get there. Stop trying to be the status quo. Find your identity and build it off your own life experiences. Focus on you.

And watch what happens…

Until next time…

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